This picture is in a haze. Right? That is the sort of haze, and more, that I experienced for many, many years- right in my own head. I am not sure how many years because I never made a note of when it started. But if I recall correctly it must have been in 1992 after I woke up of the sleep of anti-psychotic drugs and found a curtain of fog around me. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief. By the time I gained consciousness, it was winter, from the autumn month of November, when I was hit by a huge bolt from the blue which turned my world upside down. I thought it was the winter which was getting me down, but perhaps not. Yes that is the haze that comes from taking psychiatric medicines. I always believed that taking those medicines was the correct, scientific thing to do for after all so much work is being done in the field of psychiatry to look into the working of the human brain. I was certain that without medication I could not survive even a day- not to mention have any sort of functionality in any domain of my life.
I thought, nay I believed that Bipolar I disorder that I suffered from came from my brain chemistry somehow and there was really something lacking in me. So if I would only keep taking my medication obediently I would be able to live my life. But despite those medicines things were never stable, the boat was always rocking and not letting me become stable in any line of work, given my many options of writing, music, teaching or whatever else I may have thought of back then. And I stayed in that disabled state for long- though never giving up my dreams, nor doing a little bit when I could, though the mind was in a pitiable condition.
Of course, psychiatric medication also brings co-morbidity, and side-effects. I developed hypothyroidism first of all, and then post cystic ovarian disorder (PCOD)- which made hair erupt on my face, something which was unthinkable, for I had always such a radiant complexion. But life came such a full circle for me; for that complexion became history, with the advent of psychiatric medication. For 13 years that I took the lithium I had thyroid and associated problems, till I stopped and switched over to another new generation drug- whose side effect was liver damage. I am of course not even mentioning effects of a visible nature, which were there for the whole world to see. So anyways...this is a little tale of the seesaw of disability that I passed a great deal of my youth on. Or perhaps all of it!
A lot more would get written in my research stories and illness narratives, though not to wash my dirty linen in public- but to let people see the long and solitary road I walked, without companions for the most part. And mostly to share with my disabled brothers and sisters across the world- throw a spark of hope in their corners if they are living lives of dejection and solitude; letting them light their own candles and be guided by this voice, till they become beacons of hope to many others too. We all need that- I did too, so I say this. Not in any way underestimating you or thinking that I can guide you.
I thought, nay I believed that Bipolar I disorder that I suffered from came from my brain chemistry somehow and there was really something lacking in me. So if I would only keep taking my medication obediently I would be able to live my life. But despite those medicines things were never stable, the boat was always rocking and not letting me become stable in any line of work, given my many options of writing, music, teaching or whatever else I may have thought of back then. And I stayed in that disabled state for long- though never giving up my dreams, nor doing a little bit when I could, though the mind was in a pitiable condition.
Of course, psychiatric medication also brings co-morbidity, and side-effects. I developed hypothyroidism first of all, and then post cystic ovarian disorder (PCOD)- which made hair erupt on my face, something which was unthinkable, for I had always such a radiant complexion. But life came such a full circle for me; for that complexion became history, with the advent of psychiatric medication. For 13 years that I took the lithium I had thyroid and associated problems, till I stopped and switched over to another new generation drug- whose side effect was liver damage. I am of course not even mentioning effects of a visible nature, which were there for the whole world to see. So anyways...this is a little tale of the seesaw of disability that I passed a great deal of my youth on. Or perhaps all of it!
A lot more would get written in my research stories and illness narratives, though not to wash my dirty linen in public- but to let people see the long and solitary road I walked, without companions for the most part. And mostly to share with my disabled brothers and sisters across the world- throw a spark of hope in their corners if they are living lives of dejection and solitude; letting them light their own candles and be guided by this voice, till they become beacons of hope to many others too. We all need that- I did too, so I say this. Not in any way underestimating you or thinking that I can guide you.